


Stop Loving You

by AubsterLobster



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Fusion, Alternate Universe - s19e13 doesn't happen, Awkward Romance, Break Up, Eventual Relationships, M/M, Memory Alteration, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2020-06-15 10:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19612273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AubsterLobster/pseuds/AubsterLobster
Summary: Lacuna Inc. was a neuroscience company that was researching memory erasure. The advancements of memory science and recovery had been the talk of many science magazines but this company was exploring the possibility of erasing certain memories from the brain. It was controversial and still in the testing phase of research. They were seeking out test subjects.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind AU, Barba has his memory wiped clean of everything Sonny Carisi.





	1. Chapter 1

Sonny's eyes ached with exhaustion. His sleep schedule had grown unecessarily hectic. He'd done nothing but eat and work, sleep finding itself squeezed somewhere in between his two main activities. Olivia had given him the next two days off. She explicitly told him to get out of town and breathe air that didn't smell like sewage. The whole squad could see the exhaustion on his shoulders. Amanda was the first to point out his lethargy the day before, poking him to stay focused numerous times.

Fin suggested taking a train to the coast, get some sea air into his lungs without the distraction of the city behind him.

So there he was, on a train to Montauk. The train cabin was relatively empty save for a gentleman with his nose beared in a newspaper a few rows ahead of him. His forehead creased and his brows furrowed as he read whatever article he was on. Sonny watched the man as he grumbled and flipped the paper over, examing the crossword puzzle.

The man's contemplating face drew Sonny in, familiar and nostalgic. His father always asked him to help with the crossword puzzle every Sunday. Sonny wasn't much help but he enjoyed it regardless. Living in a home full of women made the moments he had with his father much more special.

The man looked up, right as Sonny's eyes were lifting up to study the man's face. Their eyes met. Something felt so familiar. Sonny gave the man a slight, pursed lip smile. The man folded up the newspaper and stood up. Sonny looked away, a little embarrassed for staring so blatantly. His attention was drawn back to the man as he walked up the aisle to Sonny's set of seats.

He sat down in the seat across from Sonny and unfolded the newspaper, looking back down at the crossword puzzle.

"Do you know a 5 letter word for a 'seventeen-syllable work'?" The man asked.

Sonny stared at the man across from him. He seemed comfortable speaking to strangers.

"Uh, do you have any of the letters?" Sonny shifted forward slightly, wanting to look at the puzzle.

The man glanced up to see Sonny leaning forward. He turned the paper a little to let Sonny see. "It ends in a 'U'. You think that would give it away." The man chewed on the end of his pen, mulling over the clue.

Sonny smiled. It had been awhile since he felt at ease with anybody. He wasn't sure why he had become so distant with all of his friends and family but something had shifted in him that made him push away. He forgot why he was so upset.

Sonny helped the man solve a different piece. 4 letter word for 'return to a normal temperature'. Thaw. "Okay that gives us first letter 'H'. H somethin-somethin-somethin-U." Sonny took the pen from the man's hand, realizing a moment too late that he also removed it from his mouth. Trying to ignore his disregard for boundaries with this stranger, Sonny quickly jotted down his answer. "Haiku." He handed the pen back and leaned into his seat once again, face flaring up with embarrassment. He rubbed at his chin, as if to wipe off the red flowering in his face.

The man cleared his throat. He tucked the pen behind his ear and extended a hand towards Sonny. "Thanks."

"No problem at all. That was a dumb clue anyway. It was worded weird." Sonny took the hand offered to him and briefly shook it. They didn't immediately release each other's hands. Their eyes locked for a moment that lasted an eternity. Saltwater meeting freshwater.

"Rafael." The man said, breaking the unusually long handshake. "I'm Rafael Barba."

He missed the warmth of Rafael's hand already. "It's nice to meet you, Rafael. I'm Dominick Carisi, but everyone calls me Sonny."

Rafael chuckled. "Okay, Sonny. What brings you on this train to Montauk in the dead of winter?"

"I should ask you the same." Sonny smiled back at Rafael, enjoying the warmth of his expression. "My co-workers told me to get my head out of work and refresh my brain."

"Similar journey, then." Rafael leaned forward, resting elbows on knees. "I recently got a new job and I've done nothing but work for the past few months. I've barely had time to sleep. My mother told me to take a few days off for myself."

Sonny leaned back into his seat, resting his ankle over his knee. "Workaholics, amiright?" He shrugged with a smile. "I don't really know why I feel like I have to work so hard, to be honest with you. My boss even told me to take it easy but I just can't seem to do it, like I have nothing else if I'm not working."

"Yeah I get it," Rafael chimed in, "like pouring yourself into paperwork helps you forget that there is nothing else for you after you clock out." His eyes softened. He fiddled with his hands, squeezing and lacing his fingers together. "The longer you work, the less time you have to spend with yourself."

Sonny felt Rafael's words deeply. It had been exactly how he was feeling. He had been an open book all his life but the past few months had been like the pages were being ripped out from the spine and scattered all around him. He knew he didn't have to work so much overtime, that the cases his squad were covering didn't warrant any of the extra hours. Rafael had been able to see into him and know exactly how he felt in just a ten minute interaction with a stranger.

The train began slowing down. Their stop was coming up soon.

"Anyway, thanks for the help. I'm sorry for interrupting your relaxation day." Rafael began gathering his items. "I hope you have a wonderful time here, despite the less than ideal weather."

Sonny reached up to stop Rafael, hand resting on his forearm. "Hey, since we're birds of a feather, maybe we should flock together?" He smiled sheepishly up at Rafael. "You know, hang out and enjoy the shore as over-worked, stressed out kindred spirits."

Rafael smiled and breathed out a laugh. "Well it's not like I had any set plans anyway. I was just going to wander around the end of the world, maybe look at the lighthouse from afar."

"Maybe we can go out to the lighthouse, see it up close."

The train came to a stop and the doors clunked open.

"Or we can just get a drink and not torture ourselves with cold, salty air."

"A drink would be nice too." Sonny bounced up and out of his seat. The two men made their way onto the platform.

They found themselves wandering, chatting, looking for a bar. Finally they settled on a hotel bar. They talked for hours, about nothing and everything, from their jobs to their stress. Sonny told Rafael about how he went from precinct to precinct until he finally settled into his current one. Rafael told him about how he would do anything to win his cases; from the time he got a defendant to choke him with a belt to the time he tried to convict his childhood friend of exchanging explicit pictures from minors.

They leaned into each other closer and closer as the afternoon melted into twilight and the bar goers came and went. The world was muted around them, only their breathy laughs and shop talk. It astounded Rafael that they had never met before, being a former Assistant District Attorney. Sonny waved off the coincidence, reminding him that he had been in many precincts and they must have just missed each other.

At some point in the evening, they found themselves practically leaning over one another as they laughed together and sung to whatever it was the pianist was playing in the bar. The bartender called out for last call. The laughing pair paid their tab, shrugged their coats back on, and shuffled themselves out of the hotel's bar and into the lobby. Rafael peered down at his watch.

"Hey, I'm sorry this trip wasn't very coastal for you. We didn't get much sea breeze." He stuffed his hands into his coat pockets. "We've only got a bit of time before our train arrives."

Sonny shrugged, not having any cares left to give. "We could always stand around the platform and see if we can spot the lighthouse."

"Okay, I don't mind standing out in the cold with you." Rafael's smirk left a tingle in the back of Sonny's head. He felt so comforting to be around, like this was a normal thing for them. Their being together was the one thing Sonny had been wanting.

He put an arm around Rafael's shoulder and guided both of them through the streets and back towards the platform. Sonny cracked a joke, shaking Rafael by the shoulder with his own laughter. He wanted to be jovial, friendly. Anything to keep himself from thinking about the tugging feeling in his chest like he was always missing some sort of companionship.

They stood on the platform, staring out into the night. They could barely see anything not under a light post.

"How's the view, Hawkeyes?" Rafael asked. "I can't see shit."

Sonny squinted and pointed out to nowhere. "That dark area looks like it could be a lighthouse. Could also just be a building. I can't tell. Everything looks like a building in the dark."

Rafael laughed. "Well I'm not sad that we missed the lighthouse. I am sad to be freezing my balls off, though." He rubbed his hands together, shuffling closer to Sonny. "Train better come soon." He grumbled and rocked forward and back on his feet.

Once again, Sonny put his arm around Rafael and pulled him close. He refused to say anything, hoping to prevent any awkwardness being held by a stranger would cause. They stood in silence as they waited for the train. Rafael shook less and his rocking stopped. Soon, though, the moment was broken as the train finally arrived. They disconnected and stepped into the train cabin.

They sat together, knees occasionally hitting each other as the train moved. Their chatting had died down. They smiled, enjoying the comfortable silence.

As the train rolled into the station, Sonny asked, "Hey, I can give you a ride."

"I don't want to put you out of your way. Thanks, though."

"No it's okay, it's cold." Sonny urged.

"What, you want to drive a guy all the way out to the Bronx?" Rafael lifted his arm, pulling his sleeve up to look at his watch again. "It's already almost 2 am!"

"Nah it'll be fine, I live out that way too." Sonny pulled himself off the seat and grabbed Rafael's forearm. "C'mon, do you wanna freeze outside waiting for a cab? Or take a ride in a just like new, used Civic? I promise it ain't a hatchback."

Rafael rolled his eyes but smiled. "You had me at used."

* * *


	2. Foundation

Sonny and Rafael got into the freezing vehicle. He apologized and blasted the heat, hoping to defrost the windows quickly. "I guess this isn't much better than standing outside and waiting, sorry."  
  
"As long as you're not running the meter on me," he let out a breathy laugh, rubbing his hands together, "this is nice, thank you, Sonny."  
  
Sonny smiled sheepishly. He gave the wiper blades a few swipes, brushing the partially melted frost away.  
  
"Today was nice." Rafael said, blowing into his cupped hands. "I haven't had this much fun since... I don't know, actually. I guess I haven't had this much fun in far too long."  
  
They both chuckled.  
  
"I can say for sure that I haven't had fun in awhile. Maybe two years. My squad and I used to celebrate big wins at our favorite bar, and they used to be great," Sonny let out a sigh before continuing, "but nowadays even though we're celebrating more wins, I just sit in the corner of the bar pretending to have a good time."  
  
Both men said nothing for a few minutes. Sonny pulled out of the parking lot.  
  
"Hey, Sonny..." Rafael shifted in his seat. He pulled at the seatbelt around his chest. "Today was great. It sounds dumb in my head, but I have legitimately not felt... I don't know, I guess it's happiness. Yeah, I haven't been in the best mindset for awhile. I've been out of sorts for awhile. I quit my job, moved back to the Bronx, got a crappy consultants job--I'm not even really practicing law anymore! I haven't been in a court room in who knows how long because I sure as hell can't remember." He sighed, stopping himself before he got too frustrated which was probably already too late. "I'm sorry. I really am."  
  
"It's not a problem, Rafa," Sonny reached over and put a hand over Rafael's. It seemed to calm him down. The contact was normal, but seemed much too personal for two strangers. Sonny pulled back.  
  
"Sorry." He muttered.  
  
"No, I..." Rafael hid his hands in his jacket pockets. "It was nice. I guess I just needed human contact, as stupid as that sounds." He laughed at his own words. An empty laugh that left Sonny wanting to draw the man closer into a hug, but his driving didn't permit such an action. "I'm just pathetic right now. Us meeting today has been the best thing to happen to me. Really. I want us to meet again. We should do that. Coffee or something. I don't know. Or maybe never meet again but that would be awful, to be honest." Rafael rambled for a few moments longer. "Oh right, head up here and take left when you can. Sorry I almost forgot to give you directions. I really am out of sorts."  
  
Sonny smiled. He wanted to squeeze Rafael's knee in reassurance but that seemed like too much of a familiar touch.  
  
He pulled up to Rafael's apartment complex. A little bit run down on the outside but the light inside the main entrance revealed a modern and clean building.  
  
"Thank you, Sonny," Rafael said with a smile. He didn't immediately remove himself from the car. "Hey, did you maybe want to get a coffee? You know, for the night drive. Or something. I don't really know, I feel rude that you drove me home and you still have to get yourself home and it's almost 3 am now."  
  
Sonny couldn't help but smile back. He would have said yes to anything as long as it meant spending more time with Rafael. "Yeah, sure, it's not like I have anything to wake up for in the morning, might as well stay up as late as possible."  
  
They both got out of the car and crossed the street to Rafael's apartment. They took the elevator in a comfortable silence.  
  
Sonny stood in Rafael's apartment, awkwardly staring at the Broadway posters on the walls and disposable coffee cups littering almost every flat surface of the living room.  
  
"Sorry for the mess, I haven't had time to clean anything since I moved in." Rafael was in the kitchen, preparing his french press.  
  
"Do you drink anything besides coffee and scotch?" Sonny began stacking the paper cups together, clearing space as much as he could. "There's enough cups in here to be about 3 a day!"  
  
"And that's just my living room." Sonny heard Rafael laugh out a quiet reply.  
  
Sonny gathered the tall stacks of coffee cups to the kitchen. He opened the cabinet under the sink and pulled out the trash; it was also filled with coffee cups. "Do you have a problem? Should I be indulging you with more coffee?" He tied off the bag of already filled coffee cups and started a new bag of nothing but cups.  
  
Rafael's laughter was warm and inviting. Sonny stood in the kitchen with Rafael as he poured the coffee into mugs, both from Harvard.  
  
"Harvard kid, huh?" Sonny sipped at the burning liquid. "I'm studying at Fordham myself."  
  
"You're in law school? How can you do both?" Rafael asked, truly interested. It had been so long since he was able to talk like this with someone who was actually interested in what he had to say. Amanda was sweet but their casual conversations were aimed towards reality TV, and neither Olivia nor Fin wanted to talk about legal stuff.  
  
"The NYPD pays for my tuition, and I just go to night school a few days a week. It's really not that hard. I think it makes me a better cop, even if I annoy my squad." Sonny sipped the piping hot coffee. He looked around the counter for sugar. On a whim, he opened up the cabinet closest to him and found all the coffee fixings. Sonny poured sugar packets and a creamer cup into his coffee as he continued. "I make sure we're doing everything by the book and I try my hardest to make our DA's job easier. Sometimes my partner reminds me that I'm not a lawyer but a cop. I don't see why I can't be both."  
  
"An ambitious man," Rafael leaned against his counter, "I like it. I would have loved working with you."  
  
Sonny bashfully rubbed his neck, trying to hide any semblance of embarrassment. "Don't hear that often, thanks. I get a lot of 'good work now get out of my office and get back to it', you know? I sorta nag 'em sometimes, though. So I get it."  
  
"If you don't nag them, they're just going to hear it a second time from your DA." Rafael shrugged. "Stay on them about it, they'll eventually take you more serious. You work for SVU, right? I know the lieutenant. Tell her that I give you recognition for your legal knowledge. That'll hush her up. Well, maybe."  
  
Sonny's face increasingly became hot. He blamed it on the coffee. "Hey, are you free again? Maybe tomorrow?" Sonny attempted to hide his face with the mug as he spoke.  
  
Rafael's eyes widened. He stared down into his own mug. "Uh, yeah, I'm free for lunch or something. I work, but it's not the busiest job in the world. We should go to lunch. Or something."  
  
They both stood in the kitchen, sipping their coffee. Silence now awkwardly settling between them.  
  
Sonny gulped down the rest of his coffee. He moved to stand beside Rafael by the sink. He scrubbed and rinsed the mug quickly and put it in the dish drainer. "Okay, so lunch. Tomorrow." Sonny gave Rafael an out of place thumbs up, having nothing else to do with his awkward hands. "Should I get your number?"  
  
Rafael smiled, a small laugh leaving his lips. "Yeah. Here, give me your phone. I'll text you when I'm available. Or you can shoot me a text. I get wrapped up in work a little too easily."  
  
"Okay, yeah, I'll text you around 1?" Sonny's smile "Or, you know, the other way around. This was fun. I enjoyed the coffee, Rafael."  
  
"And I enjoyed your company, Sonny." Rafael handed the detective back his phone and followed him towards the door. "I'm looking forward to tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly hope this is going well. I feel like I'm going too slow. I guess that doesn't matter. World building. All that junk. Slow set up doesn't matter if I get to the finish eventually


	3. It's not a date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keep it neutral. Lunch. Coffee and croissants. A date. Date? Was this a date?
> 
> Did Rafael want to go on a date with him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait in between chapters. I work grave at a casino. I don't have a lot of inspiration to write very often. But regardless, I hope someone enjoys this.

Sonny barely slept after coming home close to 4 in the morning. He tossed and turned until finally he gave up and began arranging an outfit for his... Meet-up? Appointment? Sonny didn't know what to call it yet. He hadn't decided if he was brave enough to call whatever it is Rafael and he were meeting up for.

Keep it neutral. Lunch. Coffee and croissants. A date. Date? Was this a date?

Did Rafael want to go on a date with him?

Did Sonny want to go out on a date with anyone?

If there were anyone in the world Sonny wanted to meet up with for coffee it would be Rafael. But if this were a dinner date...

Rafael would still probably be number one. Why? He just met the guy.

There was Gina's friend he met a couple weeks ago. She seemed interested. Nice enough lady.

Then there was Amanda's friend Tony. Attractive guy, lived going to the gym. She tried setting them up a few times in the past year but Sonny had always said no, until she finally wore him down on an especially taxing day.

Neither really interested Sonny. Sure, he was a little superficial and liked a pretty face here and there. But Rafael was more than looks. He was even more than just brains. Spending the entire day together yesterday was the best time he had ever spent with anyone in his entire life and he couldn't quite understand why it was so great. All Sonny and Rafael did was talk. Talk and drink and talk some more.

The train platform. Rafael was cold. Sonny's first thought was to share his own body heat with the shivering man. God, that was embarrassing. But Rafael didn't mind. He didn't even pull away. If anything it felt as if Rafael leaned into Sonny.

The car ride home. Sonny had put his hand over Rafael's. He gave him a nickname. Rafael didn't even blink at the intimate touch or affectionate name.

He was comfortable around Sonny--a stranger! In his line of work he should know better than to be so forward with a stranger. But Rafael was almost barely a stranger the moment he sat down across from him on that train.

Maybe Rafael recognised it too. Maybe he felt something else between him.

...

Rafael pushed away from his desk and reached his arms above him, relishing in the pops and pressure being released from his back. He glanced at the clock for the umpteenth time.

12:10 pm

Sonny said he was going to message him around 1. Why couldn't it be 1 already?

No, no, no, you are not some girl waiting on her prom date. Rafael shook his head, slapping his cheeks a little. Who said anything about a date? I never called it a date. We're not going out on a date. Sonny and I are going out for lunch. Or something.

Rafael reeled himself back into his desk. One more glance at the clock. He tested his hands on top of his keyboard, lightly tapping his fingers on it. Just one more glance.

12:22 pm

"How has it only been two minutes!" Rafael loudly thought.

"That's how time works, Barba." Bayard Ellis said from across the office space. "It goes by one minute at a time."

The deadpan answer he wasn't expecting to received startled Rafael. "What do you know, Ellis? You're a lawyer."

Bayard stared at him from across the room. His voice was enough of an eyeroll to not physically need one. "I know you think out loud and forget to use your inside voice. I know you came into work not intending to really work. And I know you have a certain..."Bayard waved his hand in the air, searching for the most pretentious word possible. "Gait when you are enamored with someone. Your trot is smug and proud and to be perfectly honest it's quite a hilarious show." He removed his glasses and steepled his fingers together. "Can I assume I am right? Are you expecting something around lunch time? Perhaps a date with a handsome fellow?"

Rafael huffed and crossed his arms. "As predictable as I may be, no I am not expecting a date. I am meeting up with a new friend for coffee and lunch. Or something."

"Oh and will you be leaving for the rest of the day, after this coffee and lunch, or something?"Bayard asked. "Because I do apologise for not providing you with enough work. I have always been the abnormal one to think that a person should only be undertaking a maximum of 5 caseloads at a time. I know you prefer having a full plate and spreading yourself paper thin all the time to the point of exhaustion and burning out."

"Bayard, your humour is becoming drier by the day."

"You wouldn't know this, but many people think I am hilarious. My sense of humour might be too advanced for you."

Rafael's very witty comeback was stolen from his mouth when he heard the vibration of his phone on his wooden desk. Bayard's knowing smile was a clear acknowledgement that he won their pseudo-debate. Rafael would have to save his cunning remarks for a later time because the most important thing to him now was his phone.

His face fell when all the buzz was about was a low battery alert. He sighed and flipped the phone back down on his desk.

"Now, about your 'humour', Bayard," Rafael threw air-quotes around his words. "I never took you for a--"

Another loud vibration cut Rafael off. He grabbed his phone and instantly, seeing an unknown number, he smiled and the narky words once again fell away.

Good afternoon, Rafael. This is Sonny. From the train yesterday night. You gave me your number after we drank coffee at your place. Are you still up for grabbing lunch and a coffee with me? No obligation of course.

Rafael's obnoxious snort of a laugh drew an exaggerated "Blegh" from Bayard. He tapped away on his phone with a permanent smile plastered across his face.

Hello, Sonny. Yeah I'm available now for lunch and coffee. My energy is getting low too so perfect timing. Where will we be meeting up?

Rafael looked up from his phone to see Bayard with his chin in hand, propped up on his desk with the smuggest grin to ever grace an attorney's face. "Off to enjoy your date now? Don't be out too late, Barba."

Rafael rolled his eyes and lifted himself from his swivel chair. "I was wrong, Bayard, you are hilarious. The most amusing person in Manhattan." He grabbed his coat off the rack and stepped out the office. Before closing the door behind him, he called out, "Also it's not a date!"


	4. Good Mood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been awhile since he'd felt this light. He felt happier than he'd felt in what seemed like years.

Their coffee date went well. Very well. So well, in fact, that everyday since they met for coffee. Sometimes they would meet up for a quick bite to eat. Sometimes they would message each other a few times a day. Sometimes they would message back and forth, both hanging onto each other's next words and unknowingly looking pathetic.

"You've been in a great mood recently, Carisi." Olivia came up behind the detective. He jumped and almost dropped his phone when he felt her hand on his shoulder. "I'm glad you don't resent me for forcing you to enjoy your weekend."

"Hah, yeah, I guess I just really needed it more than I thought." Sonny pocketed his phone quickly.

"Well, whoever it is that put you in this kind of mood, give them my thanks." Olivia gripped Sonny's shoulder, lovingly, motherly.

"Oh yeah, speaking of him, Lieu, he sends his regards. He told me he used to be your ADA before I came along." Sonny patted her hand appreciatively. Her hand went rigid on his shoulder. He looked up. But she wasn't looking at him. Fin, Amanda, and Olivia all shared concerned looks. "Sorry, was that a sore spot?" Sonny looked between the three of them, his own expression of concern growing. "I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories or nothing."

Olivia forced a smile. "No, nothing like that. It's just been awhile since any of us heard from him. How.... How has Mr. Barba been?"

"Oh he's doing great."Sonny could sense the tension. Fin and Amanda got up to get coffee, leaving them alone. "Uh, we met by chance on my day off and have been chatting everyday since. He's so interesting, I'm surprised I've never met him or really even heard of his cases."

"He wasn't with us long... But I'm glad to hear he's doing great, I'll have to catch up with him sometime." She moved to walk back to her office but stopped herself. Her steps were hesitant, awkward, stiff. "Fin, see me in my office."

Fin, from the coffee maker, gave her a thumbs up and gulped the rest of his cup down. He quickly followed Olivia into her office and shut the door behind them.

"What do you think that was about?"

"Probably nothing."

"Nothing?" Sonny pushed himself away from his desk to give Amanda room to lean on it.

"Yeah, probably."

"There's always something. Especially with Liv. I didn't say something wrong, did I?"

"I don't know. I wouldn't know." Amanda crossed her arms. "Anyway, have you caught up on 90 Day Fiance? We need to talk about it. Lunch on me?"

She was dodging the subject. Amanda was a terrible liar. She did great undercover work but when it came to Sonny she was never convincing. He always knew if something was bugging her or if she was having issues at home.

But Sonny was in a good mood. He didn't want this awkward air to linger. So he let it go.

"Nah, I haven't. But fill me in anyway, it'll still be worth watching."

Amanda smiled, releasing her right posture. Her shoulders relaxed and her eyes creased as she smiled. "C'mon, let's grab a bagel or something."

Sonny took his phone half out of his pocket; no notifications. He slid it back into place and followed Amanda out of the precinct.

Bagels and trash TV, two of his favourite things with one of his favourite people. It had been awhile since he'd felt this light. He felt happier than he'd felt in what seemed like years.


	5. I Want to Stop Loving You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year and a half ago, Rafael Barba resigned from the DA's office. He was no longer happy where he was, what he was doing. Some people could respect that, but others were selfish and wanted him to stay where he was, neither advancing nor falling back. His life became stagnant.  
> There was only one thing holding him back from really severing ties with SVU.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to start making this fic a lot more confusing and jumbled. It's now going to go back and forth between before the Erasure and after. Tell me if it gets too confusing and I'll see what I can do.

"I want to stop loving you."

Rafael Barba couldn't stand the idea of never seeing Sonny ever again. His heart ached and his head thrummed ever single night as his eyes burned with tears, his damp pillow case becoming increasingly irritating as the pool of sadness soaked in and cooled.

Their relationship was nothing more than mutual comfort. Sleepless nights were not as frequent when they shared a bed together. There was no reason for Rafael to be feeling the way he did. But the day he left his office one final time, Carmen giving him a gentle hug, he found himself face to face with the detective and his icy eyes that haunted every waking moment of his life. The Detective was breathing hard, light perspiration on his forehead. He had run up to catch Rafael before he left.

Olivia had told Sonny that Rafael resigned. Long legs and silver hair blazed through the precinct and ran straight for Rafael's office.

They stood in the hallway for awhile; Sonny catching his breath, Rafael staring back.

The moment was long and awkward. Rafael's eyes fell away from Sonny's intense gaze. He stepped to the right of Sonny and tried to walk past. Sonny held out his arm, stopping him, pleading with his eyes for Rafael to look at him, say something. But nothing happened. Sonny's arm fell back to his side, eyes still pleading. Rafael refused to look at him. He muttered a simple apology and kept walking briskly towards the elevators.

Sonny was left in the hallway. He had nothing to say, yet he had everything to say but couldn't get it out of his chest.

Rafael's elevator ride felt longer than it should have been that day.


	6. Lacuna Inc

It's been a month since they last spoke--since Rafael had really spoken to anybody besides his Mami. He had spent more or less all of his days wallowing in self pity and regret.

One excruciatingly painful Sunday, Rafael was returning to his apartment after a long overdue visit to his Mami when he saw an obnoxiously coloured flyer shoved into everyone's mailbox. He unloaded his mail and unfolded the horrifically orange flyer.

Lacuna Inc.  
210 E Grand St, New York, NY 10019

Nothing else on the flyer, just a company name and an address. Rafael flipped it over, expecting maybe something. But there really was nothing else.

He tossed the flyer into the garbage on his way to the elevator. Rafael assumed it was some advertisement for some technology company, but someone messed up their flyers at the print shop. Pointless, he thought. Just like everything else.

That night, Rafael tossed and turned, wiping hot tears from his face. He grabbed his phone, half-hoping there was something to wake up to. Nothing. As always. It was pointless to even hope for anything.

A flash of orange went through Rafael's mind and he thought for a moment about the flyer. Lacuna. He's probably seen there company name before, maybe referred to in an old case, possibly a passing ad on the subway. He opened up a search engine and typed in the name.

Lacuna Inc. was a neuroscience company that was researching memory erasure. The advancements of memory science and recovery has been the talk of many science magazines but this company was exploring the possibility of erasing certain memories from your brain. It was controversial and still in the testing phase of research. They were seeking out test subjects.


	7. Miss Me

"Carisi, I swear to GOD and all that is holy, if you don't stop tapping your foot in the next ten seconds I will rip it off!" Amanda slammed her fists down onto the desk. "And wipe that stupid grin off your face!"

"I don't know what you're talking 'bout, 'Manda." Sonny immediately stopped his tapping, swinging his legs up onto his desk. He began clicking his been incessantly. "Let's just get through this stack of papers, 'kay? Barba wouldn't appreciate it."

"Oh you would knoe what he'd appreciate, wouldn't you?"

Sonny's shit-eating grin only grew wider.

Olivia came rushing into the precinct, her heels clopping harshly on the floor.

Both detectives were startled out of their banter by Olivia walking briskly past both their desks. Automatically they both went back into work mode but stopped when Olivia called out, "Carisi, office. Now."

**Author's Note:**

> Hey friends, I'm new to writing for this community (any community actually) and have been meaning to work on something like this. I love both SVU and Eternal Sunshine, both are amazing works to which I have no ownership over.  
> I know I drone on and on and have really useless details or unnecessary sentences. I know everyone hates to read any of that, unless you enjoy Stephen King.  
> Anyway, I hope at least one person likes this! It would really make my day!  
> I will be posting more chapters of this soon!


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